My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
