Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
