just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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