I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize