I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
