"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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