I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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