I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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