You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
