Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
