In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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