dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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