Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
