1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
