My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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