I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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