wakey wakey hands off snakey
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
