a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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