I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
