hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
