It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
