Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
