how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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