I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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