On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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