I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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