Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
