Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
