I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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