Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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