and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
