We named our party play list daddy issues
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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