I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
