Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
