my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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