Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
