I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
