Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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