Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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