I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
