i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i will never coherently bang her
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
