whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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