yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
