i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
