He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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