The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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