I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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