I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Randomize
