Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
