i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
