i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I deserve this hangover.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
