based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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