yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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