kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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