note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
4 words: hood of his car
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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