I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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