I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
