Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
