watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You don't make any sense
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