I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
